THE HEADSUCKER’S MOXY
Transcribed by Alan Back
(Opening shot: the city skyline at night.)
Narrator: The city of Townsville! (Pull back and pan slowly along one block.) A secure place. A safe place. A place where the most valuable of all possessions is locked up safe and sound.
(As he says this, we see people turning off their lights and closing their doors and windows. Zoom in on the Bank of the Imperial Garden. A tall, thin, bald man with glasses—the bank manager—is standing at the door; he produces a key from his pocket and reaches toward the lock with it. A shadow appears behind him, and he turns to look over his shoulder.)
(Cut to the source of the shadow: a short man with a very large head and nose and no visible mouth.)
Manager: (from o.c.) I’m sorry, sir— (Cut to behind the short man.) —but the bank is closed.
(Side view of the two; the manager is seen only from the waist down.)
Manager: Please come back tomorrow.
(The man hangs his head as the manager leaves.)
Manager: Have a safe night!
(He walks away, rounding the corner. After a block or so, footsteps are heard o.c.—he is being followed. His eyes turn back in surprise, and he begins to walk faster. A short shadow moves into view, pursuing him, and he finally breaks into a run. Rounding one more corner, he gets several more steps down the sidewalk before stopping and recoiling in fear. A trash can lid clatters to the ground; he screams and covers his eyes. In his path is a small white cat, meowing. The manager screams again, then uncovers his eyes to look around.)
(Cut back and forth twice between the cat, now purring, and the manager. He is limp with relief and laughing nervously.)
Manager: Whoo! (He wipes his forehead.) Silly imagination!
(Quickly pull back to point down the sidewalk toward the corner where he is standing, then zoom in on his face. We see a sudden flash of teeth, and he falls to the ground screaming. A sucking sound is heard. Dissolve to the front door of the bank; the manager is now lying with his body in view and his head o.c. right and is being dragged slowly away. Camera turns up to point at the moon, which becomes the sun as the scene dissolves.)
(It is now the next morning; we hear sirens and police radios. When the camera turns down again, the bank entrance has been marked off with yellow crime-scene tape. Police officers are investigating. Inside, the vault is open and empty, and a group of cops are staring speechless. The radio chatter continues, muffled, as the camera pans slowly from the vault to a cot in the corner. The manager is on it, and the girls are standing by him.)
Blossom: Now, Mr. Bank Manager, sir, you were the only one who knew the combination to the safe. (eyeing him warily) So how was the crook able to open it?
Manager: (disoriented) Combination…safe…crook…wha—where… (He suddenly comes to and claps a hand to the side of his head.) Oh, my head!
Buttercup: He can’t remember anything!
Blossom: Here, let me take a look at that.
(Extreme close-up of the hand as she removes it. The side of the manager’s head sports a ring of puncture wounds. The girls gasp in surprise o.c.)
Narrator: Whoa! Seems the mystery miscreant sure left his mark. Question is, when and where will he strike again?
(Fade to black.)
(Footsteps are heard, and a flashlight beam appears, illuminating pictures on a wall. The holder of the light steps into view—it is a security guard. The light moves across paintings and sculptures; we are at the museum. Finally the alarm control panel is seen, and the guard’s hand moves into view to punch several keys. The beam turns around to illuminate the artwork as a network of laser beams is activated to block access to it. The guard smiles contentedly and turns to leave, singing tunelessly. He stops short; there is a quick shot of a round mouth full of pointed teeth, and he falls down screaming to the same sucking sound that was heard at the bank. The flashlight rolls away to stop in front of the control panel. Another hand reaches into view and punches the keys, and the laser beams are deactivated. The screen blacks out to the sound of heavy objects being moved and a set of footsteps running away.)
(Fade in to the empty gallery. Police radios are heard in the background as the camera pans across another group of stunned, speechless cops and stops on the girls and the guard. He is wrapped in a blanket, shivering and looking very much out of it.)
Blossom: And only you knew the code?
Guard: Huh? Code? Uh…can’t think…head hurts. (He puts a hand to his head.)
Blossom: Uh-oh. Let me see.
(Extreme close-up of the guard’s head; when he removes his hand, a ring of punctures is beneath it. The girls gasp o.c.; pull back to show them in front of him. Blossom is thinking hard.)
Buttercup: There it is again! The same mark as the bank manager!
Bubbles: What does it all mean, Blossom?
Blossom: It means we better get to the bottom of this before he strikes again!
Voice: (pirate-like) Arrrrrgh!
Blossom: Come on, girls! (They take off.)
(We hear a crash and see a cloud of dust; when it clears, the guard is standing on his head. Cut to the beach, then a shot of the girls looking up toward the camera.)
Blossom: So only you knew the secret location of your booty?
(The camera turns around slowly to show the source of the voice they heard in the museum. It is indeed a pirate.)
Pirate: Arrgh. (Obviously he means “yes.”)
Blossom: Can you tell—
Pirate: (in pain, hands to head) Arrgh!
Blossom: Don’t tell me. Your head hurts?
Pirate: (removing his hat) Arrgh. (“Yes.”)
(We see the ring of wounds once again. The girls look at each other in bewilderment. Dissolve to the exterior of their house at night.)
Narrator: Back at home, the girls sink their teeth into this confusing conundrum.
(Close-up of Bubbles, sitting on their bed and holding her hands to her head.)
Bubbles: Holy headaches, Blossom! (Pull back as Blossom and Buttercup pace back and forth in midair.) This is a tough one!
Blossom: “Head” is right, Bubbles. All the victims had strange marks on their heads.
Bubbles: Gosh! Yes, Blossom! You always have the right information.
Buttercup: Information? Bubbles, that’s it! All the victims had secret information that only they knew!
Blossom: He sucks the secret information from the victims’ heads. (Close-up of Bubbles.)
Bubbles: Holy leech! (Buttercup comes up behind her on one side.)
Buttercup: Robbing Leech, to be exact, Bubbles. (Blossom comes up on the other side.)
Blossom: That’s right. And whoever has secret valuable information is the Robbing Leech’s next victim!
Bubbles: Holy heist!
Buttercup: Heist? Jewels? Blossom, you don’t think—
Blossom: Yes, that’s it exactly!
(Cut to the exterior of the museum. A stretch limousine and several police cars drive up in front.)
Blossom: (voice over) Arriving tonight at the Townsville Museum is none other than the Sapphire Sultan.
(Side view of the Sultan, wearing a long robe and turban with a huge feather, walking along the red carpet as flashbulbs pop all around him.)
Blossom: (voice over) He’s here to visit with the Mayor and divulge to him the secret location of the world’s most valuable sapphire.
(The Sultan enters the museum, picks up the Mayor, and whispers into his ear. Camera shifts to behind him; the short man from the opening scene steps out from behind a pedestal.)
Buttercup: (voice over) Which means the Sapphire Sultan is the Robbing Leech’s next victim!
(He leaps at the camera, and we see a flash of teeth. The Sultan and the Mayor fall to the floor.)
Blossom: (voice over) Exactly! Come on, girls! Not a moment to lose!
(Close-up of the Sultan’s head as the Leech’s hand reaches into view and grabs the free end of the turban. He unwinds it and leaps, sinking his teeth into the head. The Sultan screams and runs back and forth as the Mayor looks on and the Leech sucks away. Finally he drops to his knees, exhausted and groaning, and the Leech sucks until the Sultan’s eyes pop wide open. He disengages himself; the Sultan drops to the floor, a ring of teeth marks now visible. Pan across his body to the Leech, who walks over it on his way out. He stops briefly atop the stomach, and we can hear the wheels turning in his head. Suddenly he has an idea. He opens the Sultan’s coat to reveal the navel and squeezes it hard. Out pops a small ruby, which he catches. He tips his hat and walks out the back as the Mayor continues to look on.)
(The girls smash through the ceiling and land facing the camera.)
Blossom: Not so fast—
(The Mayor pops up in front of them screaming, his back to the camera.)
Mayor: Girls! (He runs toward them, excited.) Man, oh, man, you shoulda seen it! This guy, he came out and grabbed the Sultan, and— (He jumps into the air and twirls, imitating the head unwrapping.) He spun him all around, and then— (He throws his head back and screeches, his mouth open wide.) He jumped on his head, and— (He jumps onto the Sultan’s head and imitates the sucking.) He started sucking on his skull—
(Side view of him and the girls.)
Mayor: And the Sultan was all screaming and stuff, and then BAM! (He throws himself to the ground.) The Sultan fell down— (He goes to the Sultan’s midsection and squeezes the navel.) And the little guy walks over and squeezes his stomach, and WHOOT! Out comes this jewel thingy, and then he ran away— (He slides back across the floor to the girls.) —aw, and you missed it, you missed it, man, it was COOL!
(The girls are far from impressed at the retelling.)
Buttercup: Mayor! It wasn’t cool! The Sapphire Sultan was just robbed!
Mayor: (his fire gone) It was cool.
Blossom: Well, it won’t be cool when the Leech strikes again.
Bubbles: Who do you think it’ll be this time, Blossom? (Cut to the Mayor, his head down.)
Blossom: (from o.c.) Well, whoever it is must have some vital, precious, and secret information locked up in their head.
(As she says this, the Mayor’s eyes open in surprise. Cut to her and Bubbles.)
Blossom: But who? Who?
(Their meditations are interrupted by his scream. Close up of him, hopping from foot to foot.)
Mayor: Help! Help! (He runs to Buttercup and throws himself at her feet.) Quick, Buttercup! Hide me! Hide me!
Buttercup: (pushing him away) What’s gotten into you?
(Cut back and forth between Blossom and Bubbles, and the Mayor.)
Blossom: Are you okay?
Mayor: No, I’m not okay! I’m in grave danger!
Bubbles: Danger? But why?
Mayor: ’Cause I’m the one! I’m the next victim! All the most secret-est secrets of Townsville are locked up here in my noodle!
(The girls are clearly amused by this last remark.)
Blossom: Oh, Mayor, your noodle is as empt…uh…Wait! I think you’re right! You are the next victim! (This catches her sisters completely off guard.)
Blossom: Girls, we need to protect the Mayor’s brilliant mind and make sure none of the volumes of information he has in there—
(Cut to the Leech, hiding behind a pedestal and listening intently. Blossom is obviously saying all this for his benefit.)
Blossom: (from o.c.) —falls into the hands of the Robbing Leech. Understand? (He sneaks off.)
(The girls again. Bubbles and Buttercup nod.)
Blossom: Don’t worry, Mayor. We’ll protect you. (The Mayor again.)
Mayor: Uh—from what?
(Cut to the exterior of Townsville Hall at night.)
Mayor: (from inside, panicked) Oh, what’ll I do, what’ll I do? (Inside, he is pacing the floor.) Stress, stress! Worry, worry!
(A hand reaches into view to stop him. Pull back to reveal it as Blossom’s.)
Blossom: Now, Mayor, it’s going to be okay. (Buttercup flies into view.)
Buttercup: We won’t let anything happen to you.
(Bubbles flies into view, picks him up, and carries him over to his chair.)
Bubbles: So you just sit here at your desk and relax. (She flies o.c.)
Blossom: (from o.c.) And with us guarding the door—
(Camera turns around to show her poking her head in from the office door.)
Blossom: —there’s no way the Robbing Leech is getting in.
(She pulls the door shut, leaving the Mayor in darkness. He looks nervously over his shoulder and begins sweating. Fade to black.)
(Snap to the hallway. The girls are next to the closed door, giggling; a scream from inside startles them out of it, but only for a moment. We hear the sound of a head being sucked as they smile and giggle again.)
Blossom: Guess he used the window.
(Cut to inside the office; the door opens to show the girls outside it.)
Blossom: Well, Robbing Leech, looks like the jig is up.
(They float in. Cut to the Mayor at his desk, the Leech attached to his head.)
Bubbles: (from o.c.) Suck all you want! (Zoom in on him.)
Buttercup: (from o.c.) ’Cause you ain’t getting anything from that thick skull! (The girls giggle.)
(He pulls loose and snarls. Close-up of the girls, now frightened.)
Blossom: Watch out!
(He leaps at them, but they dodge his attack and he slams into a painting. He pulls loose and charges the girls again.)
Blossom: Keep away from that mouth!
(They scramble. The Leech rebounds off the wall and tries to catch Bubbles, but she avoids him. Buttercup knocks him across the office and into the wall again; he slides down, and she steps in to inspect her handiwork. Lying in her shadow, he suddenly springs to life again and jumps past her to grab hold of a ceiling light fixture. He swings back and forth, surveying the room, then jumps off to make his move.)
Bubbles, Buttercup: Blossom! Watch out!
(Blossom realizes she is in the line of fire, then darts away and grabs the Mayor to use as a shield. The Leech connects with his head and begins sucking—but he is clearly not enjoying the experience. After a few seconds, he goes limp and falls to the floor. Cut to the girls standing over him as he lies in a puddle of drool.)
Blossom: Well, Leech, it looks like your brain-draining days are over.
Buttercup: You’re all dried up!
(A policeman takes hold of the Leech and hauls him away to the sound of police radio chatter. Close-up of Blossom; her sisters are standing to either side.)
Blossom: Well, Mayor, thank you. We couldn’t have done it without you.
(Alternate between the Mayor and each girl who speaks. “…” = long pause.)
Mayor: Huh? I don’t get it.
Buttercup: Your empty-headedness is what finally defeated the Leech.
Bubbles: You can’t get water from a well that’s dry.
Mayor: I don’t understand.
Buttercup: Correct, Mayor.
Bubbles: That’s right.
(The background for the end shot comes up.)
Narrator: And so once again the day— (losing his concentration) —is…uh…oh…something. Day…is… (groaning in pain) My head hurts!